Perfection, People-Pleasing, and the ADHD Brain
If you live with ADHD, there’s a good chance you’ve felt stuck in a loop of perfectionism and people-pleasing. Maybe you hold yourself to impossibly high standards at work, or you feel like you need to be the "easy one" in relationships. Maybe you overcommit and say yes to things you don't actually have the bandwidth for, only to end up feeling overwhelmed, behind, and ashamed.
It’s a common story I hear in my work providing ADHD therapy in Seattle, especially among millennial women and queer folks who have spent years trying to keep up, be liked, and prove their worth. ADHD makes it harder to manage time, stay organized, and follow through—so perfectionism kicks in as a way to compensate. People-pleasing becomes a survival strategy. But the more we try to do everything perfectly and keep everyone else happy, the further we get from our own needs.
The ADHD Brain and the Perfectionism Trap
Layered on top of this is the tendency to people-please—a pattern many ADHDers develop early in life. When your brain works differently from the norm, you may have learned to cope by becoming extra helpful, agreeable, or responsible. You may have been praised for being the “good” one, the reliable one, the one who doesn’t make waves. The result? A strong pull to be liked, needed, and accepted—at the expense of your own limits.
People-pleasing with ADHD often looks like saying yes to extra work even when you're maxed out, being hyper-aware of others’ moods and needs, or fearing that asking for help makes you a burden. It’s exhausting, and it leads to burnout. Worse, it keeps you stuck in a cycle where you feel like you're constantly letting people down, even when you're doing your best.
So, What Can Help?
The good news is you don’t have to stay stuck in the perfectionism-people-pleasing loop. These patterns are protective, not permanent. With self-awareness and support, you can create more space for self-trust, rest, and authenticity. Here are some actionable steps you can take:
Notice the perfectionist voice. Begin to catch when your inner dialogue is demanding perfection. Instead of aiming for 100%, ask yourself what “good enough” would look like.
Practice saying no. Start small. It might feel wildly uncomfortable at first, but honoring your limits is a skill. Saying no is a way of saying yes to your own capacity and needs.
Use external supports. ADHD brains thrive on structure and reminders. Use tools like visual timers, to-do lists with time estimates, and calendars with transition buffers.
Set boundaries around time and energy. Schedule breaks before you need them. Don’t wait for burnout to set in. Your rest is just as important as your work.
Get comfortable with incompletion. Not everything needs to be finished or flawless. Sometimes “done” really is better than “perfect.”
Challenge shame-based thoughts. When your brain says, “You’re failing,” try replacing it with, “I’m doing the best I can with the brain I have today.”
Work with a therapist. Therapy can help you untangle these patterns, build emotional resilience, and develop ADHD-friendly strategies that feel sustainable and empowering.
ADHD Therapy Seattle: Support That Gets It
If you’re navigating ADHD, perfectionism, and people-pleasing, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. These coping strategies likely helped you survive environments that weren’t built for your brain. But survival doesn’t have to be the end goal. Therapy offers a space to explore your patterns with compassion, reconnect with your own needs, and learn new ways of showing up for yourself.
As a therapist offering ADHD therapy in Seattle, I work with millennial women and queer individuals who are ready to stop chasing perfection and start reclaiming their time, energy, and sense of self-worth. Together, we can build a new toolkit—one rooted in flexibility, self-trust, and care.
Summary of Key Points
ADHD brains often develop perfectionism and people-pleasing as coping mechanisms.
These patterns can lead to burnout, shame, and disconnection from personal needs.
Actionable steps like boundary setting, using external supports, and self-compassionate thinking can help break the cycle.
ADHD therapy offers a safe space to explore these patterns and build ADHD-friendly systems that work with your brain.
Be well,
Katie
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